I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
