i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
