her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
