found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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