every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
