also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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