ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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