When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
