Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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