I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
