He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i love accidental penises.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
