The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
