life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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