Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Randomize
