i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
