She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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