I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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