I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
