How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
