Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
