i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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