I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
