How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Someone stole a lamp last night.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
