I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
tell me about the eggs
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
