I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
