She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
