I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
