He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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