I want to have your abortion
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
