My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
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