My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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