I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
