Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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