does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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