this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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