So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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