Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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