I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
