Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
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