Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
