turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
