He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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