the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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