They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
