that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
