Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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