You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
