Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
