hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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