i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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